Between pandemic lockdown mode and parenting, I took out a lot of aggression drilling into available rocks. I offer them on my
Etsy store , they’re all pocket size waterproof and fireproof. simonearth
These rocks are found objects, chunks of river rock and industrial aggregate, cleaned and groomed with diamond coated drill bits. Instead of gluing on googly eyes, these re-imagined pet rocks are lowbrow gag gift meets reductive minimalism.
there’s also this
TikTok channel! I’m expanding my cast of characters and angles.
Edith is good at keeping secrets.
Deacon the pet rock is always carrying around a nice set of tools.
Sandra comes from Old Money, but her family fell on hard times in the early 1990’s.
Berlioz went to a music conservatory but their heart just wasn’t in it.
Bridget has been spending lots of time doing laundry.
This is the tiniest little pet rock! It’s also a shark, look out!
Charlie loves Scandinavian folk music.
Beetsy was once in a car commercial as a background rock.
Stuart just can’t even.
Waldorf has taken a vow of celibacy, we have no reason not to believe them.
Kelly keeps to herself but has ten pen pals.
Marlon is an older rock who is losing his memory. Please help him remember he was once a great actor.
Sometimes two rocks really hit it off and start their own family, let’s find these three a forever home.
Have you ever used the figure of speech ‘I’d give my right but…’ well here’s your chance this pet rock is named Nut.
These three pet rocks met while in an ice cream store called ‘SerenDIPity.’ Yeah, that’s the one by the hardware store that closed.
Blaise is red jasper from the Pacific Northwest, he got to Texas hitchhiking
Sterno loves camping on public land, it’s not like they’re doing anything wrong.
Erskine has the wildest hairdo! How much product is anyone’s guess.
Dwight is the rock that always parks illegally.
Wabbit is a wise-cracker and general freeloader, if we’re being completely honest.
Carl Lee calls his music rockabilly but it’s got a beat so good it doesn’t matter
Podd is an old school R&B fan. He also has a fossil in his forehead, we think it’s a cephalopod.
These two lovebirds are actually rocks.
Jim makes excellent omelettes.
Ernie says he’s good at lucid dreaming but lots of us aren’t too sure.
Felicia is putting away money for horse riding lessons.
This guy is very quiet, the only time he gets chatty is when watching WGN, so we all assume he’s from Chicago. Pet Rocks that Rock by Simonearth
Haley is the best dancer!
Dan had Dan Junior who had Dan the Third, ie Tripp, or Triple.
The two of these rocks became fast friends like long lost siblings, we believe they should stay together.
Christo is a wrapper.
Arthur’s etsy store now features Pet Rocks in the style of minimalism
Trent doesn’t respond to anyone’s social media friend requests.
Jasmine started an online apparel business that recently got sold to a Japanese investment group at SoftBank. Not sure how much she made, but hot damn!
Eduardo has dreams of being a competitive cowboy.
“Pollard comes back every morning with makeup smeared all over him, I don’t even ask.”
Neville has a large collection of stamps, all handmade.
Nardo can beat you at Madden ’12 with his eyes closed.
Morgan has been divorced three times, all by accident.
Mister Gum was discovered wandering in downtown Dallas, he’s not sure how he got there.
McDugan knows all the stars in the sky, even when it’s cloudy out.
Nobody’s sure whose MawMaw she is, but she’s someone’s MawMaw.
Hillsboro is a piece of jasper from Washington state who never learned how to swim.
H is a Hilton, but not the one you’re thinking.
Hasslebeck always shows up for meetings with fresh donuts.
Gladstone has been shooting at the squirrels trying to get at the birdseed.
Gabrielle is on the land line phone, all the time.
Figgy has a high shrill voice and looks kind of purple in the light.
Erin has some really interesting textures, it comes from having an excellent skin care regimen.
Dr. Grumbles is a very small pet rock, he is very old and draws a pension from the state.
Delicate Guy is very fragile, both physically and emotionally. He would prefer a home without children.
Nobody has really asked where Astrid came from, we may have misplaced her papers, hold on…
Jill was thinking of joining a convent but could never decide which one.
Harvey is really into Track and Field and Scottish Games. I don’t know if he’s Scottish.